Sora vs Sephiroth: How It Should've Been
by Eternal Smasher
Summary: A crazier version of the battles between Sora and Sephiroth. Rated for language and blood. Let me know how this one is. Please? Update? No way...I swear, after this I'm done.
1. The Way I Like It

Kingdom Hearts! Yeah!

Anyway, this is just a little quickie story of how the battles between Sora and Sephiroth would _really_ go. To me. The way it should go. I'll shut up now.

Sora walks into the Olympus Coliseum. Sephiroth is already standing there with his back turned.

"You again..." says Sora.

Sephiroth turns around and just stares at Sora.

"I got you this time!" Sora charges toward him with Keyblade in hand. He tries to strike, but the blade is blocked and flung out of the coliseum. Sora watches it for about 3 seconds.

"...O...kay..."

Sephiroth cuts Sora's cheek.

"Ow! Damn it!" He makes the time-out sign and begins walking away, holding his cheek.

"You cheater! I'll get you...you bastard...now where'd it go..?"

(Round 2/Two months later)

"Ha ha! I've got you now!" Sora's back in the Coliseum, fighting an irritated Sephiroth. He stares again.

"I got a new plan of attack! Prepare yourself!" Sora begins to attack from the front, but then shifts left. He tries to slash, but Sephiroth trips him. Sora falls flat on his face. Eventually, he rises.

"I'm okay."

Sephiroth cuts Sora's nose.

"Ah! Damn it! Ooh! That burns! Ow..." He makes the time-out sign and begins staggering away, holding his nose.

"I'll get a hit off you...one day...oh, my face..."

(Round 3/Five months later)

"All right, payback time!"

Sora is back. What else is new?

"I brought my friends Donald and Goofy with me too!"

Sephiroth sighs. There is a brief moment of silence.

"...Uh...Goofy?"

Sora sees Goofy beheaded in the corner with his shield cut in half.

"...Donald?"

Donald is spurting blood, flailing like a fish, with his beak cut off.

"...Mommy?"

Sephiroth cuts Sora's neck.

"Ow! You son of a bitch! You could've killed me!"

Oh, really?

"Shut up!" Sora makes the time-out sign and staggers away, holding his neck.

"He killed my friends...it's on now..."

(Round 4/Eight months later)

"You are so dead."

Sephiroth shrugs and stares at him. Sora. Of course. He now had a gun. Just a regular shotgun.

"Let's see you dodge this!" Fire one.

Sephiroth deflects it.

"...Die!" Fire two.

Sephiroth deflects it.

"...Son of a-" Fire three.

The deflected bullet hits Sora's leg.

"Ah! Shit!" Sora falls to the floor screaming, and Sephiroth chuckles a little.

"That's not right! Ow!" Sora makes the time-out sign and rolls away.

(Round 5/One year later)

"I'm surprised you didn't give up yet."

..._You're _surprised?

Sephiroth gets ready.

"Now, uh...um...uh...how was I gonna get you again? Uhm...uh..."

Sephiroth cancels his stance and stares at the continuing Sora with a confused look. He then leaves to get a Big Mac.

(20 minutes later)

Sephiroth is now sitting and eating a number 1.

"Uh...um...uh-I got you!" Sora throws his Keyblade at him. It is sent flying straight up.

"Stop toying with me!"

Sephiroth cuts Sora's ear.

"Ow! That's not fair!" Sora makes the time-out sign and runs off. Sephiroth continues eating.

(Final Round/A week later)

Sephiroth is waiting for Sora again. Suddenly, a hot-air balloon flies overhead. Sora is laughing manaically.

"Try and stop me now, bitch!" He throws down a big bomb. Sephiroth smirks and jumps directly toward it.

Boom!

"Finally! And it only took 2 years!"

The smoke clears. Sephiroth is rising fast. Sora keeps on laughing, then feels a strong wind. Then he feels something land on the balloon. Then he hears a hissing sound.

"...Shit..."

Sephiroth cut Sora's arm on his way down.

"I'll kill you for this..!"

Ding!

Sephiroth walks away, shaking his head.

...That's it. What? You wanted more?


	2. Three More Tries

_I couldn't help but do more._

Sephiroth is eating a fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant. All of the other customers are staring at him in intrigue. Those that knew who he was and what he did either ran or tried to hit him with various foods. Sephiroth blocked each food item with a breadbasket. Then killed everyone within 15 feet of him. Now there was panic among the customers as they all scrambled to get away from this guy.

Then Sora walked in.

"I'm back…"

Sephiroth threw a plate at Sora's head. He dodges it backwards, Matrix-style, and falls on his back. He quickly gets up.

"You didn't see that. NOW…I bring about your doom! Behold! I've brought someone you may have heard of-"

Cloud rushed in, jumping off of a chair and diving toward Sephiroth. He launched his table at Cloud, who sliced through it and continued toward him. Sephiroth blocked it, and the battle was on.

"…Yeah, this is going well…I'm hungry." Sora sat down in a nearby chair, waiting for a waiter or waitress, dodging various things that happened to fly his way.

He sat there for 25 minutes.

"The service here is horrible."

The only undestroyed area in the entire restaurant was the area he was sitting in. Everything else was demolished, even aflame. There were also several holes in the floor and ceiling. And walls.

"Um…"

Sephiroth, slightly battered, walked toward Sora.

"Cloud?"

Still walking.

"Cloud?" His voice was squeaky.

Sephiroth was standing right next to Sora.

"No! Please! I didn't mean to…"

One quick slash. Sora…was bald.

"My (beep) hair!"

Sora screamed like a girl and fainted. Sephiroth left, looking for another place to feast.

* * *

Sephiroth was standing on top of a tall building. Cause all the cool people stand on top of tall buildings. He was wondering what he should destroy next. Maybe the freeway? The airport? Those bootleg day care centers? Sora's house?

Speaking of Sora, he was approaching Sephiroth on a paraglider. A pink paraglider.

"Prepare to die!" He was holding small, pink daggers, and proceeded to throw each of them at Sephiroth's head.

Each one missed.

"Aw, crap…"

Sora tried to turn around, but he forgot how. He continued flying toward Sephiroth.

"Aw, crap…"

Sephiroth sliced the paraglider in half. Sora began falling straight down.

"Aw, crap..!"

Sora fell on top of a conveniently placed blimp. He sighed in relief. But then the blimp caught fire.

"…Aw, crap…"

The blimp exploded.

* * *

Sora is lying in a hospital bed, recovering from his burns and such. Kairi is at his side, very sad and about to cry.

"Kairi…" Sora called out weakly.

"Sora? What is it?" Kairi asked, ready to do anything he asked.

"I won't…die…on you…"

"But those were fatal burns! And you're bald! So bald!" Kairi started to cry. Sora cried a little too, as he was bald.

"I'm going to get a Hershey's," Kairi said, ceasing tears. She walked out of the room. Her right foot was sliced off.

"What the..?"

Sephiroth walked in the room, wiping his Masamune clean. Several hospital dudes tried to kick him out, but they all got killed. They paid no attention to the dying-from-blood-loss Kairi.

"Why won't you leave me alone?"

Sephiroth pointed his blade at Sora's right temple. He spoke:

"You are an idiot."

Sora gasped.

"I am not!"

Sora's Keyblade appeared in his hand. He could feel it. He could fight!

"Ha-ha!" he said standing on his bed. "I'm totally healed! Now I can-"

Sephiroth flipped the entire bed over, rendering Sora unconscious, and walked away. Kairi grabbed his foot and she got kicked in the face.

_I might make some more. I might…_


	3. Wait, What?

_Thought it was dead, did ya? Sorry. Little notice: this may or may not be the least funniest chapter, but it certainly is the last (and the longest)._

Sora was sitting on a stump in the woods, talking to himself. Now that he finally had a chance to be completely alone, he could devise a way to beat Sephiroth at least once. He hasn't had much luck. But he wouldn't give up. Not until Sephiroth's soul was his...wait, that came out wrong.

"Hmm...he's stronger than me...faster than me...smarter than me...has a bigger weapon than me...he can teleport, apparently...those flame pillars...kicked Cloud's ass...severely injured my friends, and Donald...meteors...Sin Harvest...a wing...and total disregard of the lives of others. How do you defeat something like that?"

Sora thought some more. Something clever (to him) came to him.

"I'll just try to beat him in other things besides fighting. Like...a killing spree contest! No! Wait! Something simpler. A video game! I'll defeat Sephiroth in a video game! Then we'll see who's bald..."

Sora got up and ran away. The story followed him as he ran. Then it got tired and took a break. By the time it was ready, Sora had already found Sephiroth, explained to him his proposition, struck a deal, drank a Dr. Pepper, went to his house, told his mom, picked out a game, and turned it on.

The game was Mario Kart 64.

"Why do you even possess this system still?" asked Sephiroth.

"Shut up! You're going down! No one beats my Toad at Bowser's Castle! Nobody!" Sora boasted.

Sephiroth chose Bowser as his racer. The race was on. On the green light, both shot from the starting line. They were neck-in-neck until they reached the Thwomps. Bowser managed to knock Toad under one, where he was promptly smashed. Bowser used his previously acquired Star to gain a 15-second lead.

"Okay. Just a minor setback. No worries." Sora tried to remain calm.

Bowser had already cleared the steps before Toad got past the first set of Thwomps. Bowser possessed a Boo, and held it. When Toad reached the nearest item box, Bowser was already hopping over the last gap at the towers. He got a Star and tried to use it before it got stolen. No such luck. Bowser crossed the finish line into his 2nd lap, and used the Star again. When Toad spiraled the tower, he went through the barricade and got stuck in it.

"...No! Do over! Now! I got glitched! I'm resetting!" Sora pressed the reset button. It got jammed in. The screen went totally black.

"You don't have much of a way with luck, do you?" asked Sephiroth.

"Fine! I can't take it anymore!" Sora summoned his Keyblade. What a meat. "YOU DIE NOW!"

Sephiroth hit Sora in the head with his controller. Hard. So hard, it caused him to bleed a bit out of his eyes.

"Ow...everything just went red...my head is numb..." Sora fell to his knees. Sephiroth left. He thought about killing Sora's mom, but decided against it, as she made a mean meatloaf.

"I can hear you leaving..." Sora tried to yell, but failed. "No, wait, now I can't hear anything...!"

* * *

Some amount of weeks later... 

Sephiroth was back at the Coliseum where all this craziness began. He figured that kid would never even dare to come back. Besides, it was a good place to just sit and think, and to hone one's skills. There was just one little problem.

"Hey Sephiroth. Guess what?"

Sora really was someone special.

"I didn't wanna have to do this. But it ends here. I've managed to get the most powerful creature I can think of to take you on. And I don't even have to pay him."

Sephiroth turned around. He saw who the creature was.

"You want me to fight the King himself? If you think that will work..."

King Mickey dragged Sora down to his level and whispered: "I thought we had a deal. Your mother's jewelry for this."

"We'll talk about that _after_ you totally kick this guy's ass. That is, if you're up to it."

"Sora, I hope you're joking." The King's Keyblade appeared in his right hand as he charged toward his opponent. Sephiroth readied himself, placing both hands on the hilt of his sword and bringing the blade behind him.

"Um, while you guys are doing that, I'm gonna go...not die. Later," Sora said, running out of the Coliseum. Much clanging could be heard inside.

Some double-digit amount of minutes later...

"Okay King Mickey, let's go get your j-"

Sephiroth and the King were playing a rousing game of poker.

"3 straight flushes in a row. No wonder Sora wants you dead," said King Mickey.

Sora stared, trying to make sure that what he was witnessing was real. While he stared, Sephiroth held his chest and "struggled" to stand up.

"As I expected from the King...Sora...we'll meet again..." He slowly withered away into thin air. The King got up and walked toward Sora.

"Good job, King Mickey. We did it. And it's all thanks to me."

The King frowned.

"But without you, this never could've happened, of course." Sora chuckled weakly.

"Let's go get that jewelry now. I'm down 15,000 munny ..."

"King Mickey, were you gambling?"

The King groaned.

"Whatever. All that matters is that bastard Sephiroth is gone...for now..."

* * *

Later that night... 

Sora was sound asleep in his twin-sized bed. He went into slumber with a smile on his face. But as he slept, there was a dark shadow in the moon's light, which slightly darkened Sora's room. A hand reached inside with a small CD player. It placed it on the foot of Sora bed and pressed play. An ominous song known as "One Winged Angel" blared through the speakers. Sora woke up almost instantly. The shadow was gone, but the music still played. Sora threw the CD player out the window and wiped the sweat from his forehead.

"Oh, man...Who would do such an evil...? No...no way..."

Sora grabbed the holy water for good luck.

"Maybe if I just try to go back to sleep..." Sora closed his eyes for a few seconds. There was a light thud on Sora's bed. He quickly investigated it.

It was Kairi's foot.

Sora could only stare in terror.

* * *

The next morning... 

Sora was still staring. It was starting to stink, but he didn't want to move.

"Sora! Breakfast time!"

Sora moved at snail-like speeds trying to get out of bed. When he finally did 5 minutes later, he ran downstairs as fast as he could and got in his seat. He sighed in relief. But he soon noticed something odd about his food.

It was a Nintendo 64 controller on a plate.

Sora got up from the table and looked at his mom. Who was on the floor.

"It _is_ him! He's back!"

The CD player that was thrown out the window played the chorus of "One Winged Angel" repeatedly. Sora passed out.

More accurately, Sora woke up. Screaming his head off. It took him a little while to calm down.

"Whew...okay...that...explains everything."

At that moment. a long blade came through his wall and stabbed him in the side of the neck.

* * *

Goofy woke up from his nap in the courtyard. He looked around. There was nobody there to share this with, so he shared it with himself. 

"Gawrsh, what's with all these weird dreams? Maybe I should, uh, try sleepin' someplace else..."

He got up and slowly walked away.

_...Don't look at me like that. _


End file.
